Taming the Carnivore, or, A Woman’s Place is in the Rebellion

I exist in a constant state of rebellion.  It takes different forms.  Sometimes I rebel against what I perceive as unjust or unfair rules placed upon me by my surroundings.   As an example, once upon a time I may or may not have walked around for several months with this hidden symbol on the back of my nametag.

 

I can also be an instigator of said rebellion.  I may or may not have supplied others with just such a symbol to place behind their nametags, as a sign of our collective solidarity.

 

I also rebel against hatred. When a certain hate group announced they would be present in Downtown Orlando to protest the funerals of victims of the Pulse Nightclub shooting, I rallied some friends and we marched, arm-in-arm, through the streets with thousands of others until the light of the rainbow prevailed.

I get a high from these types of “rebellious” activities.  So, what’s the big deal?  I think a lot of people probably do, too.  It’s not so unusual to take a stand against something.  Well, here’s the big deal: most of the time, 23 hours a day every day, the rebellion is inward.  I’m taking a stand alright… against myself.  Constantly.  And it’s exhausting.  This is an inner truth that I have only come to realize within the last week.  (Disclaimer: I don’t realize this stuff magically on my own.  I have a divine therapist – you bet your sweet bippy I’m in therapy. I need her flashlight to help me see the way out of my own darkness.)

So, what exactly am I talking about here?  Basically, I am stuck in a constant argument in my own mind… with myself.  And I have been this way since I was about 8 years old, at a very specific moment where I made a conscious decision to split my reasoning in two.  I went from evaporating any gray area into crisp black and white.  Perhaps I shall blog of that moment another time.   But for now, just know that I have two very polar opposite sides.  The side that “wins” most of the time, I am now and furthermore referring to as The Carnivore.  May I introduce her to you?

She is VERY responsible and very down-to-earth.  She makes decisions based on what will bring me the most stability in life.  She is appeased by things like Financial Success, 401k, Dieting, Being Right, Making No Mistakes, Consistent Employment, Insurance, High GPAs, Savings Accounts, an MBA.  SHE LOVES OFFICE SUPPLIES!  She has allowed me to get to where I’ve gotten career-wise in life.  She allowed me to be able to take this hiatus from work, because of that decently-built savings account.  I guess I should thank her.  But part of me – my inner Hippy (as my friend Alice would call it) – loathes her.

My inner Hippy (the Reincarnate portion of the Reincarnivore name) is my secret favorite. She’s the free spirit.  She wanted to move to New York and be an actor, she wants to travel the world, she wants to live on a coffee plantation in Costa Rica, she loves sugar and carbs, she wants to be a writer and a singer and an artist, she had a pop tart for breakfast today.  Obviously, she rarely gets to make the decisions, and so she rebels in the oddest of ways.  She is the source of my bohemian fashion sense.  I streak my hair rainbow colors in her honor.  She conspires against The Carnivore.  Here a few of her latest rebellions:

One thing we all agree on… wait.  I just referred to myself as “we all”.  Whatever, I’m going with it.  One thing we all agree on is our morning coffee.  It takes a jolt to keep up this kind of inner turmoil!  It doesn’t just happen on fresh air and sunshine, sister!  This is where it all starts…
See that little orange light glaring near the bottom?

Let’s zoom in a little, shall we?

It says “Clean”.  Do you know how long it’s been glowing angrily at me?  Probably since June.  I refuse to clean it.  Every day I make my coffee staring down that demanding little light.  “Just clean it, for God’s sake” says the Carnivore. “You might be drinking e.coli bacteria every day, poisoning yourself little by little.”  “Eh” says the Hippy.  “I’ve been fine so far. And some stupid orange light can’t tell me what to do. Down with the Man!”  See how quickly that escalates?  And that’s daily… all before my caffeine intake.

I went to the gym Monday.  So responsible of me.  I wore these socks to make myself (aka my Hippy) feel better.

I love to shop when I don’t really need anything, which I think is a bit of rebellion against the money-saving Carnivore’s constant chiding.   My latest purchase was the very sensible and highly coveted Llama mug:

Side note: I love Llamas.  They don’t get enough play.  If they came in miniature, my Hippy and I would own one.

So this is just a teeny peek inside the exhausting dual dialogue constantly running inside my head.  I hope you’ve enjoyed the show.

But you know what?  My secret-favorite-rebelling-hippy won a big one when I walked away from my job last month.   The Carnivore has her purpose in my life, no question.  But.  But she also beats me down by telling me “NO” all time. “No, you can’t give up everything and move to New York and wait tables after college.  No, you can’t spend 3 months backpacking around the Monteverde Cloud Forest. No, you can’t get a tattoo on your wrist.  And no, you can’t write a blog because no one will read it.”

So let’s say I’ve taken TWO big steps in giving my Hippy a chance to be heard.  I don’t know what she’ll do next.  But it might just be amazing.

 

*Special note: The fighting twins pic was found http://christinabaglivitinglof.com via Pinterest.