I meant to Eat-Pray-Love… but I’m really just eating.

Oprah’s a beginner.   I LOVE ALL OF IT.   The joy I get from eating is unmatched by anything.  Dessert is my preserve-filled jam.  Cupcakes cause a burst of happiness in my heart chakra.  Ok so wait, let me back up…  I’m getting ahead of myself, and drooling on my keyboard.

3 weeks ago I took a crazy, scary leap of faith by quitting my job without having anything concrete to land on.  I’m not reckless.  I’ve always been quite level-headed when it comes to responsibilities.  I get a little buzz from high notches on the belt of my credit score.  I like to imagine that deep down, I’m a badass rebel because I usually have a colored streak of rainbow in my hair, and I like to pretend that if I really wanted to, I could take off into the sunrise and wander the beach for days unconcerned with my electric bill.  But I always color my hair in a way that can be parted over and covered if necessary.  And the electric bill is on auto-pay.  So this?  This felt reckless.  This felt good.  This felt FREE.

My work environment was taking a toll on me emotionally and physically.  As a part-time empath (I say part-time because I do have the ability to shut it down – though not always) I was exhausted.  When I say exhausted, I mean lacking the strength to pull myself out of bed in the morning and immediately returning to the sheets when I got home in the evening.  Not for a roll in the hay, but for collapse.  This went on for months.  When annoying symptoms became actual diagnoses of thyroid disease and depression (spoiler alert: both can be triggered by stress), not to mention weeks-apart instances of bronchial infections, I made the scariest most exhilarating decision of my life.  Walk away.

I walked away.  Wow!  What an incredible feeling it was!  Did I mention this was just 3 weeks ago?  

I told myself and my friends I was embarking on a road to rediscovering myself, healing my soul and psyche.  I made a list of all the things I would do: yoga, meditation classes, painting, learn about Reiki, cooking at-home meals, travel a little!  I bought a book on common rituals and another one on enhancing my pendulum use.  I have some savings and an employed husband, so I figure I can exist without employment (and without touching those credit cards) for a couple of months.

So what great things have I accomplished since I started out?  Are you ready to hear of great strides in my life-affirming evolution with some kind of psychic breakthrough?

Well brace yourselves:  I got bronchitis AGAIN, and I’ve eaten dessert every day.  Not like some vegan, carrot-juiced, “can you believe that’s not red velvet, it’s beets!” desserts.  I’m talking custard-filled, icing-topped, extra Crisco there-might-even-be-a-pork-chop-in-there desserts.  Damn it… drooling again… time out.

 

So, what gives here?  Let’s say I’m about half-way through this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to get metaphysically clean.  I’ve been in psychic rehab for 21 days.  And I have nothing to show for it except a little more love on my handles.  I cut myself free for this?  To wallow in sugar and carbs and stare blankly at my empty incense burner while wiping chocolate syrup off my chin?  How did I get here?

I have come to a painful realization.  Hence the inception of this blog… i.e. accountability in the form of a tangible product.

Dear friends (and strangers?) … I am not a free spirit.  No matter how much I want to be one, and no matter how much I do have untapped creativity within me, screaming to be released, and no matter how much it pains me to put this next part into writing:  I need structure.  God Damnit.  I need structure to function.  I removed my structure, deleted my calendar, let the wind be my compass… and now I’m sitting in my pajamas surrounded by cookie crumbs, while my husband keeps asking me when I’m going to hang my clothes up from last week’s laundry session.  (PS – he does the laundry.  I just have to put it away.  Life is hard.)

So, here’s what I’m learning, and here’s what I’m passing on into the Universe.  Learn how your own engine runs, fuel that, and don’t be ashamed of it.  I ENVY you who are wild and free: the starving artists, working actors, world travelers who go backpacking through countries living in hostiles, living bit by bit.  I WANT to be you.  But I am not.   I find my peace within a schedule.   I discover my freedom within a framework.  I resent that about myself, I truly do.  But I’m going to try to work with it, and grow with it and realize that giving myself a framework is actually a gift, not a burden.  The framework given to me by others (aka my previous employment) was suffocating.  But I need to now give myself a different kind of framework that will allow me to do all those amazing things I wanted to do from the beginning.

I may not be able to function as an idealized free spirit.  But I can still be free to heal my spirit.  Just with a little more planning.   And on that note, I’m going to go eat something delicious.  And then buy a planner.