A quick note on where I’ve been:
It’s been a long time since I’ve written a post here. I’ve thought about it several times over these many, many months. I have walked through some very dark times. Life-shattering times, actually. Times when my world and sense of self was literally flipped upside down and I felt like I was hanging by a fragment, tying me to my former self. Times I will likely never write about other than vague hints.
Since then, I felt like I was so disconnected from the person who originally started this blog, that this was just a lovely nod to my past self. The Before. And now I’m living The After. And it would stay frozen that way. But… I never shut it down. I never disconnected this site. I kept those recurring domain charges and the WordPress account active. I was waiting to feel like it was time again. To share something. To share with friends and strangers. So here’s 2020. And COVID. And I think it’s time. I want to share again.
I’ve realized that, even with The Before and The After, there’s something about me – about all of us – that never changes. Our Divinity. We are still a reflection of the Divine. No matter what happens, no matter what decisions we make, no matter how our perception of reality or our definition of our self changes. The essence of the God(dess) that shines in and through us is the same as it always was. We are just as worthy to be seen and heard and loved. Especially by our own selves. So, with that acceptance, I’m back. I hope you give yourself that same acceptance to be whatever you wish.
LOW TIDE
Reincarnivores, why is it that no matter how many break-throughs we may have, how many breaths of awakening, how many mountain-top-moments we experience, we still wake up in The Slump? Sometimes it makes me feel like I’ll never gain enough ground, never grow enough, to avoid these Slump times. And then I find myself judging my Slumpiness. Like “if I was really learning the lessons of life and spirituality, then I wouldn’t be in the doldrums. So if I’m here, that must prove I haven’t grown.” Can you relate?
Do you remember the movie The Phantom Tollbooth? A wonderful 80s film based on a book I never read. But one scene that stuck with me was when the little boy, Milo, drives his car into The Doldrums. He gets stuck in this oozy, slimey, gooey land. And these little goo droplets have faces and they just melt his car deeper into the slime, while he gets sleepy and unmotivated to move.
That’s how I sometimes picture my Slumpy times. Like I’m the kid in the car, with those little goo-ball gremlins keeping me there. And then I tell myself it’s my own fault for being there, because I’m not enough – in one way or another. Not motivated enough. Not trying hard enough. Not pushing myself enough. Not evolved enough in my spirituality. Pretty harsh self-judgement stuff accompanies The Slump.
What if there’s another way to think about this? Well, there is. Of course there is. There always is.
From now on, I’m referring to these times internally as “Low Tide”.
In a recent meditation, I was presented with a very insightful vision of the ocean. (The vision was insightful – not me. It was pretty spelled out so that I could clearly understand the point.) We are of this earth, right? We are made of the stuff of stars. So it makes sense that we should operate the same as the natural earth around us while we are in this physical realm. Seasons, blossoming, rebirth, waxing, waning, wholeness… TIDES.
I saw the ocean flowing in to high tide, full of speed, strength, energy, and sound. Pulling in life forms and chasing away children. (Okay, no I didn’t see children being chased in my vision. It just now popped into my head. But you get the idea.) And then, I saw it retreat into low tide. Quiet, reserved, leaving behind the empty shells to be observed. And I realized… I can have tides, too.
I have my own high tide, when I’m full of ideas, energy, motivation. When I want to be seen and heard, and be super present in the world. Not just a part of things, but driving things. And then, sometimes I become low tide. Quiet, reserved, observant, disconnected, restful, low energy. There is a purpose to both tides. One shouts and gives to the world, reflects an external energy, presenting a unique spark everywhere it goes. The other is inward, focusing on internal processes, abandoning the external shells of the outside world to think, regroup, re-energize, and to pause. You can’t have one without the other. I take that back – I can’t have one without the other. Perhaps others can. But as part of my complex duality (hence the Reincarnivore spirit) I often experience being in the black or in the white. I’m working on strengthening my relationship with the gray. But until then, I am pledging to myself to be more understanding and sympathetic towards my own Low Tides. To learn to embrace and enjoy these times just as much as the others, and to see the value and importance within both. Removing the self-judgement and reminding myself “It’s ok. I’m just Low Tide right now” allows me to just BE. And it becomes beautiful, rather than burdening.
I encourage YOU to do the same. There is a lovely freedom to be found in allowing the tides to come and go, rather than fight them off. Rest. Or play. Observe. Or take charge. You can be both things, or either, according to your own rhythm and Tide.
Peace Profound.